Part 3: Narcissist, Zuma Ga Zaqi Ga Harbi, Marmari Daga Nesa
Tare Da: Dr. Salihu Lukman
(3) Grandiosity/Entitlement/Showmanship/ Carelessness/Greed
Sai kaga mutum yana jin cewa shi fa na daban ne a cikin mutane (Grandiosity) saboda haka dole a bashi kula ta musamman (Entitlement). Sannan kuma yana da son nuna ma jama’a irin ra’ayuwan alatu da yake ciki kaman dora hotunan kayan da ya mallaka mai tsada (Designer Brands) kaman kayan sawa, takalmi, agogo, motocin alfarma (kaman motocin Dino Melaye), da wuraren ni’ima da ya tafi yin hutu a kafafen yada zumunta wato Social Media kaman su Facebook, Instagram, da Tiktok (Showmanship). Kun tuna da Hushpuppi (Ramon Abbas) wanda aka kama shi a Dubai a 2020 saboda yin zamba ta yanar gizo (Online Fraud) kuma aka yanke mai hukuncin zaman kurkuku na shekara 11 a Amurka? Ko da ace mutum bai yada kayan shi masu tsada a Social Media, to za ka ga cewa yana yawan fada maka cewa fa kayan shi masu tsada ne ko kuma ya yi abinda zaka gani har ka tambaye shi akan kayan domin ya fada maka darajan su da tsadan su. Grandiosity na sa mutum kyaman yin mu’amala da mutanen da yake ganin cewa basu kai ajin shi ba, sai dai ya zabi masu kudi da kuma wadanda yake ganin cewa masu aji ne sosai koda kuwa shima talaka kuma dan talaka ko kuma ya dinga qaryan alaqan ta kanshi da masu kudi ko shahara. Wannan shine ake kira da Grandiose Narcissist idan mun kasa Narcissists zuwa gida-gida. Yawancin Grandiose Narcissists, masu son kasancewa da jama’a ne, ko zuwa taro ko buki, ko son yin magana a cikin mutane saboda suna samun wani jin garau ne na daban idan suna cikin mutane suna tadi – masu irin wadannan dabi’un (Traits) sune ake kira da Extroverts. Wadanda kuma suka kishiyanci Extroverts sune Introverts. Zan yi qoqarin rubuta maqala ta musamman akan Extroverts da Introverts da kuma ire-iren Mental Disorders da su ke da alaqa da su kaman Social Anxiety Disorder (wanda aka fi sani da Social Phobia), da Avoidant Personality Disorder da Dependent Personality Disorder.
Irin haka sai ka ga mutum yana da girman kai, wai shi ya fi qarfin cin abinci irin kaza ko kuma ya fi qarfin saka kaya iri kaza ko kuma yafi qarfin yin aiki iri kaza. Sai ka samu cewa albashin shi ko sana’an shi ba zai iya biyan mishi kudin hayan gidan shi ba wanda ya ke ciki mai tsada a wuri mai daraja amma kuma ya gwammace ya dunga yin roqo ya na neman gudunmuwa wajen ‘yan’uwa da abokan arziqi a duk shekara domin biyan kudin haya a madadin ya je ya kama gidan da abun hannun shi zai wadatar mai wajen biyan haya ba tare da ya yi roqo ba. Haka ma yana iya faruwa a game da makarantan da yaran shi suke zuwa, sai ka samu cewa ana bin shi dimbin bashin kudin makaranta har ta kaima cewa duk zango na karatu sai an koro yaran shi daga makarantan saboda bai biya kudi ba, amma kuma yana ganin cewa qasqanci ne da gazawa ne ya cire su daga wannan makarantan mai kyau ya saka su a wanda ba ta kai shi tsada ba da nagarta. Ya gwammace yayi roqo domin ya hado kudin makarantan yaran ko kuma bashin kudin makarantan ya yi ta taruwa har da qarshe ya cire su babu shiri. Shine wanda ba shi da gashin wance amma kuma zai ce allanbaran sai an yi mishi kitson ta, wato dan fa-fa kenan ko dan qarya. Sauran masu yin roqo na kan hanya da na zamani ta hanyar tura ma mutum Account Number ba tare da an tambaye su ba da kuma ‘yan maula ko banbadanci duka sun shiga cikin wannan gaban (Greed and Financial Exploitation). Financial Exploitation ya hada da duk wata hanya da Narcissist zai bi wajen ganin cewa ya cuce ka idan wata harkan kudi ta hada ku kaman handama da babakere da ha’inci da almundahana. ‘Yan 419 sun shiga ciki, haka ma masu Online Fraud (cuta ta hanyar amfani da yanar gizo ko hanyoyin sada zumunta kaman a turo maka da Text ko e-mail a ce ka ci wasu maqudan kudi ko kuma ace ka kira wata lamba domin a aiko maka da kudin), hada da masu ribayya riba (Profit) sau da yawa a cikin dan qanqanin lokaci idan mutum ya sa kudin shi a cikin kasuwancin su wato ka bada 10 ka kwashi 100. Wannan ya hada da ‘yan siyasa da ma’akatan gwamnati masu sace kudin gwamnati su qi kawo cigaban da mutane ya kamata ace sun samu. Ku sani cewa Narcissists sun yi cincirundo a siyasan mu ta yau. Akwai su da yawa a cikin ‘yan siyasa. Siyasa na daya daga cikin babban sana’ar su saboda yana cika manyan burikan Narcissist guda 3 wadanda ake kira da 3Ps, wato Power, Pleasure da Profit.
Power
Shine qarfin fada aji ta hanyar riqe madafun iko ko mulki ko kasancewar shi zama wani hamshaqin mai kudi. Irin wannan qarfin bada umarnin na fada ajin ba dole sai ya zama wani babban dan siyasa ba, ko kuma wani shugaban ma’aikata ko kamfani. Wani zai iya kasancewa talaka, ko ma’aikaci ne a qarqashin wani, ko kuma matan aure ce a qarqashin mijin ta amma kuma duk da haka su kasance fadin rai da qasaita da tinqaho da isa da izza da jin cewa babu mahalukin da ya isa ya sa su yi ko su bari. A irin haka, sai ka ga cewa mutum yana qarqashin ka amma kuma yana neman ya dunga baka umarni ko kuma ya dunga nuna kaman shi ne babba akan ka. Irin wannan rinton Power din kesa wasu matan aure su kasa yin ma mazajen su biyayya kwata-kwata sai su zama Bossy. Zan yi cikakken bayanin Bossy a qasa. Narcissist zai iya yin komai domin ya samu Power, kuma idan ya same shi, a mafi yawan lokuta sai ya yi son ran shi kadai wato ya yi Abusing daman da ya samu ta hanyar cutar da mutanen da suke qarqashin shi. Zai iya shafe lokaci mai tsawo yana biyayya tare da nuna dabi’u na gari a wajen mutane ko kuma wajen wanda yake neman yardan shi domin ya agaza mishi wajen samun Power. A irin haka, sai ya yi lakum tare da likimo wajen boye duk wani mummunan qudurin da ke ransa ko miyagun burin sa, wato ya zama Musa a baki amma Fir’auna a zuci. Amma da zaran ya cimma gaci wato ya samu abin da ya ke so na Power, to sai kaga ya canza gabadaya ya zama wani mutum daban da wanda aka sani a baya ta hanyar wanzar da miyagun qudurorin sa tare da fitar da munanan dabi’un sa ba tare da shayin kowa ba. Sai ka ji mutane suna cewa wai shugabanci ne ko giyan mulki ne suka canza shi, a’a, ba haka bane, da ma can boye muku haqiqanin hallayan sa ya yi domin ya kaima gaci kawai. A yanzu kuwa da ya samu abinda yake so, sai halin shi na gaskiya su bayyana ma kowa tun da ba ya shayin kowa a yanzu, shima ya zama wani. Narcissist babban munafiki ne, ya kware wajen nuna fusta biyu. Na tabbatar da cewa matuqar ka fahimci wannan bayanin, to za ka ga cewa kaman ina siffanta hallayan mafi yawancin ‘yan siyasan mu ne a yau. Shiyasa Narcissists suke matuqar sha’awar yin siyasa, kuma suke da matuqar juriya na wahalhalu da gwagwarmayan siyasa. Amma fa ba ina cewa rankatakaf din ‘yan siyasa Narcissists ba ne, a’a, abin da ni ke so kawai ku gane shine, akwai su a ‘yan siyasa da shuwagabanni da yawa saboda sun fi kowa neman shugabanci kuma sun fi kowa samun shi. Shin kuna ganin cewa za a iya samun shugaba Narcissist kuma mai yin ma al’umma aiki tuquru tare da kawo mata cigaba mai dumbin yawa? Zan ba da cikakkayar amsa a gaba ta (6) wanda zai fito a Part 6 kenan a qarqashin bayani a kan wasu daga cikin kashe-kashen Narcissists (Self-righteous, Cerebral & Communal Narcissists).
Pleasure
Shine jin dadin rayuwa da wadatuwa ta hanyar mallakan duk abin da ran ka ke so. Daya daga cikin manyan hanyoyin samun jin dadin rayuwa da walwala da nutsuwan zuci shine mu’amala da mata ta gari. Ku saurari waqan Mace Ta Gari domin samun qarin bayani akan wacece mace ta gari. Da zaran an ce Pleasure, to mafi kusancin abin da zai fado ran mutum shine mace. Akwai hanyoyi 2 na samun Pleasure a wajen mace ga mai lafiyayyen hankali, hanya mai kyau kuma wanda ta dace da kuma haramtacciyar hanyar da bata dace ba. Saboda tsananin son kai na Narcissist wajen ganin cewa ya cancanci ya sami duk abin da ransa ke so tare da rashin iya kiyaye haqqi (Poor Boundaries), sai ka ga cewa bai damu da bin haramtacciyar hanya ba matuqar zai samu Pleasure. A irin haka ne sai ka ga mutum magidanci amma kuma mai neman mata kuma babu abin da ya dame shi. Wani ma yana da matan aure da yawa 3 ko 4 amma kuma hakan bai sa ya daina neman mata ba. Yin mu’amala da mata daban-daban ko dai ta hanyar auro mata da yawa, ko kuma ta hanyar auri saki ko ta hanyar neman mata na daga cikin hanyoyin da Narcissists ke bi domin samun jin dadi da yabawa (Validation and Admiration). Narcissist zai iya yin komai domin ya sami Validation and Admiration. Wani da zaran ya auri mata da yawa kaman 3 zuwa 4, to shikenan sun isheshi samun Validation and Admiration tare da Pleasure din da yake buqata. Ku gane da cewa ba fa ina cewa duk mai mata 3 ko 4 Narcissist ne ba. Wani kuma ba dole zai tara mata dayawa ba a lokaci guda, kila mata daya kacal yake ajiye wa a lokaci guda, amma fa da zaran ya gaji da ita, to sai ya fake akan wasu halayya nata domin ya sake ta kuma ya auro wata. Sai ya dunga canza mace kaman riga, sai ka ji cewa ya auri matan da suka kai 5 ko 8 ko 12 a rayuwarsa. Irin wadannan masu auri sakin ko kuma macen da za ka ga cewa ta yi aure dayawa ta fito to dawuya su kasance ba Narcissists ba ne.
Profit
Profit na nufin qara habbaka dukiya ta hanyar fitar da wasu hanyoyin samun kudi ko kuma inganta hanyoyin da ake da su. Sauran ayyukan da Narcissists suka fi yin cincirundo da dafifi sun hada da aikin likita, da aikin kayan sarki kaman soja da polis, da aikin lauya, da kuma aikin addini kaman limanci tare da karantarwa.
Narcissist na da matuqar kwazon yin aiki tuquru domin ya sami kudi ya habbaka dukiyar sa. Yanda kasan bayahude wajen son kudi, to haka Narcissist ya ke, kai ka ce tare da kudi aka haife shi. Shiyasa ma bincike ya nuna cewa Narcissists sun fi matsakaitan mutane (wajen samun kudi) wato Average, samun kudi da rayuwa na wadata. Za su iya yin komai domin su sami kudi, halal ko haram. Duk da wadatan su, akwai su da tsananin maqo da matsolanci (Miser and Cheap). Suna kuma iya yin kyauta na gani na fada domin riya muddin za su sami yabawa da farin ciki a ransu na cewa su fa masu taimakon al’umma ne sosai bayan da zaran sun kebe da wadanda suke a qarqashin su, kaman masu yin musu aiki ko iyalan su, sai su dunga muzanta musu. A taqaice dai, sune a ke ma laqabi da inuwan giginya, na nesa ka sha, na kusa kuma ya qonu da zafin rana. Zan qara sharhi a game da wadannan Narcissists din da ake kira Communal Narcissists a qarqashin gaba ta (6) sannan kuma zan bambance shi da mai dauke OCPD (Obssessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder).
Daga cikin nazarin da nayi, sai da na gano cewa kusan dukkanin wadanda suka taba cuta na ta hanyar wata mu’amalan kudi da ta hada mu, ko kuma suka cinye min kudi ko kuma suka yi yunqurin cinyewa bayan sun karbi bashi, suna dauke da alamomin Narcissists birjik. Saboda haka, kai ma ka auna ka gani bayan ka kammala karatun dukkan alamomin da zan kawo. Sannan kuma handama, da babakere da almundahanan Narcissist na fitowa qarara wajen rabon gado da miqa ma masu gado kasan su. Narcissists sun kware sosai wajen cinye gadon marayu ko siyar da filaye ko gidajen da ba na su bane. Ina mai tabbatar maka cewa a duk sanda za ka ji ana yin rigima akan gado, to da wuya ka ga cewa ba Narcissist ne ummul-aba’isin hakan ba.
Sannan kuma a koda yaushe ya je wuri yana ganin cewa dole a bashi kula ta musamman (Entitlement) saboda shi na musamman ne. Har ma ka ji suna cewa, “Shin ba ka san ni ko wanene ba ko?” wato “Don’t you know who I am?” saboda tsaban ji-ji da kai. Idan har bai sami irin wannan kula ta musamman din ba, to sai ran shi ya yi dubu ya baci daga nan kuma sai ya fara zazzaga wutan bala’i domin ya jawo hankalin mutane akan shi. Mai irin wannan halin, za ka ga cewa a duk sanda jami’an tsaro kaman Road Safety (ko KASTLEA a Kaduna, KAROTA a Kano), ko Police suka dakatar da shi domin duba takardun motan shi, to fa sai an yi dauki ba dadi da shi domin ya na ganin cewa ai shi na daban ne, bai kamata ace ana dakatar da shi ba kwata-kwata. A wani lokaci sai ya fake da yanayin aikin shi kaman ace likita ne domin ya buqaci cewa lallai shi fa dole a dunga kyale shi yana wucewa a kodayaushe saboda shi a kullum cikin aikin gaggawa yake wato Emergency Duty. Yana daga cikin manyan alamomin Entitlement ka ga cewa mutum ba ya son bin layi, sai dai ya yi ta neman hanyan da zai yi tsallaken layi ko kuma ya nemo wani jami’in da zai taimaka masa wajen ganin cewa bai bi layin ba ko ta halin qaqa saboda shi a ganin sa, ba kaman gama-garin mutane bane. Ba a haifan mutum da dabi’a ta Entitlement amma ana iya haifar mutum a matsayiin Extrovert ko Introvert. Mutane suna daukan dabi’an Entitlement ne a yayin da suke taso wa daga wajen iyayen su, ko mahallin su, ko masu yin musu hidima. Duk Narcissist suna da dabi’an Entitlement amma kuma ba duk mai dabi’an ba ne yake zama Narcissist. Haka zalika, duk Narcissist yana da tauyayyen Empathy, amma kuma ba duk mai tauyayyen Empathy ne yake zama Narcissist ba. Daga cikin masu tauyayyen Empathy a wasu lokutan akwai irin masu dauke BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), BD (Bipolar Disorder), OCPD (Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder), ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).
Irin wadannan masu ji-ji da kan ba sa son bin doka kwata-kwata, suna ganin cewa sun fi qarfin bin dokan mutane gama-gari saboda su na daban ne a cikin mutane. Idan a wajen aiki ne, sai ka ga cewa suna karya duk wata dokan yin aikin gaba-gadi ba tare da nuna wani damuwa ba. Sai ka same su suna zuwa wajen taro (Meeting) a latti a kodayaushe, sannan kuma idan suka zo sai su qi bada hankalin su wajen abin da ake tattaunawa a wajen taron, su shagaltu da lallatsa wayan su ko su yi ta hira a gefe daya ko kuma su nemi kwace ragaman taron ta hanyar mamaye taron da zantuttukan su kawai su hana kowa yin magana (Conversational Narcissist). Idan aka kwabe su akan rashin maida hankali wajen taron sai su fake da uzurin qarya su ce ai suna da ADHD (Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, na yi taqaitaccen bayanin shi a maqala ta a baya) ne shiyasa ba sa iya maida hankali sosai. Za ka same su da karya dokokin tuqi (kaman rashin amfani da seat belt, da yawan gudu, da kuma shige ma Traffic Light idan ya nuna ja, da yawan amfani da waya, da qin sabunta takardun mota da Driver’s License), da guje ma saka Face Mask a sanda ake da buqatan yin hakan kaman lokacin annoban COVID19. Irin wadannan dabi’un su suke nuna halin ko in kula na Narcissist wanda ake kira da Carelessness. Wannan na daya daga cikin manyan hanyoyin da Narcissist ya ke cutar da sauran mutane, saboda zai aikata maka abin ban haushi amma kuma shi ko a jikin shi saboda rashin kulawa (Lack of Self-monitoring). Za ka gan shi ba shi da tsari kwata-kwata, harkokin shi a yamutshe suke a koda yaushe. Sai ya kasa duk wani abu mai buqatan tsari kafin lokacin shi, sai ya bari har sai lokacin ya zo sannan ya shiga rudanin harhada abubuwan da ya kamata ace yayi tun baya. A koda yaushe, sai dai ya dogara akan sauran mutane wadanda za su dunga shirya mishi kayayyakin shi da adana su. A irin haka, zai iya fakewa da cewa wai yana dauke da ADHD ne shiyasa baya iya shirya harkokin shi da kayayyakin shi da kyau.
Idan kuma matan aure ne, to fa sai su kasa bin duk wani umarnin da mijin su zai ba su, sai dai su aikata abin da suka ga dama kawai, wato Bossy. Ba za ka iya juya macen da take Bossy ba sam-sam.
Bossy
Dabi’an Bossy nada alaqa da Grandiosity da kuma Entitlement amma na ga dacewar in sauke mishi lamba in yi mai sharhi sosai domin muhimmancin shi. Bossy ya samo asali ne daga Boss kuma yana nufin mutum ya ji yana matuqar son ya ga yana bada umarni da yin abin da ya ga dama ba tare da wani ya sa shi ko ya hana shi ba. Idan namiji ya kasance Bossy a cikin mu’amalan aure, a bisa al’adan mu da addinin mu, to za mu iya ganin cewa babu komai saboda ai dama shi shugaba ne a wajen matan sa kuma shugaba ai shi ne ke bayar da umarni. Amma fa duk da haka sai ya hada da Empathy wato tausayi (Compassion) da kuma kara da hali na gari (Consideration) sannan ne zai tsira daga cutar da matan sa da sunan aure.
Idan kuma matan ne ta kasance Bossy, to fa matsala ya afku anan saboda za a yi ta dauki ba dadi ne da ita domin kuwa ba za ta iya yin ma mijin ta biyayya ba sam-sam. Ba za ta dauki rayuwanta ta danqa ma wani da namiji ba domin ya dunga bata umarnin abin da zata iya yi da kuma abin da ba za ta iya aikatawa ba. Idan ta yi sa’a da mijin da yake talasuru ne, to fa shikenan, ba za ta sami wani matsala ba domin zai barta ta yi duk abin da take so ba tare da yace kanzil ba. Ko kuma idan suna zaune ne a qasan turawa kaman Amurka ko daya daga cikin qasashen turawa wato Europe, to anan ma fa za ta iya gindaya ma mijin ta sharadin cewa fa dole su yi tarayya a shugabancin shi, wato kowa sai ya zama shugaba kenan. Abin nufi anan shine, yanda yake da ‘yancin aikata abin da ya ga dama ba tare da ya tuntube ta ba, to fa itama tana da irin wannan ‘yancin sannan kuma dole a yi tarayya a cikin ayyukan gida shima. Wannan shine bature ke kira Patnership. Don makirci da rashin hangen nesa na bature, ya yarda a nada shugaba a kowane harka na rayuwa amma ban da harkan da tafi kowanne muhimmanci shine aure. A harkan aure, bai yarda a nada miji a matsayin shugaban gida ba, sai dai ayi 50-50. Wannan na daya daga cikin abubuwan da ya qara musu matsalolin yau da kullum har ta kai ga cewa ma yanzu ba sa sha’awan yin auren kwata-kwata sai dai kawai su zauna a matsayin Couple su haihu, idan rabuwa ta zo, kowa sai ya kama gaban sa ba tare da wani matsalan saki ba ko raba dukiya gida 2. Yanzu suma sun qirqiro da irin nasu Polygamy din a inda mata da miji za su yarda su rinqa yin tarayya da duk wanda suke so babu zargi kuma babu qaidi. Wannan shine suke kira da Open Relationship. Abun takaici ne ka ga mutanen mu suna zaban Open Relationship a matsayin Relationship Status a Facebook saboda rashin sanin mene ainihin ma’anan Open Relationship.
Zama da Bossy mace ba qanqanin jarabawa bane. Ka yi tunanin fada ma matan ka cewa ta tashi ta dibo maka ruwa domin ka sha sai kawai ta ce maka ba za ta je ba, idan ba za ka iya zuwa ka dibo ruwan ba, to kada ka qara ce mata ta dibo maka ruwa. Idan akayi rashin sa’a mai saurin kai hannu ne ko mai saurin fushi, zai iya kai mata duka kuwa. Allah Ya kiyaye. Sai ka ji budurwa ta ce ai ita idan ta yi aure, to fa dole sai mijin ta ya ce PLEASE (don Allah) kafin ya iya aikanta ta dauko mishi wani abu ko tayi mishi wani abu.
Wasu matan sun san halayyan su sosai, saboda haka tun wajen neman aure, za su iya fada maka cewa fa su Bossy ne. Da zaran ka ji haka, ko ka fahimci haka, to ina mai baka shawaran cewa ka manta da duk wani soyayyan da ka tsunduma ka arce. Idan ba haka ba kuwa, sai tafiya tayi tafiya, anyi aure har an hayayyafa, sannan ka dawo ka yi dana sani qeya ne. Shiyasa na jinjina ma Laila Ali Othman, da ta fahimci cewa ita Bossy ce, sai kawai ta nemi mijin da ya sauwaqe mata auren. Kun ga anan, bata wahalar ba kuma ba a wahalar da ita ba, kowa ya huta kenan. Duk wanda yake da fahimtar aure haqiqatan, to ba zai ga laifin ta ba kwata-kwata da ta dauki wannan hanyan.
Sai mun hadu a kashi na gaba a inda zan tattake wuri akan Red Flag na 4:
(4) Envy/Jealousy/Histrionic/Gossip/Controlling
Salihu Lukman, Assistant Professor ne na Civil Engineering a University of Hafr Al Batin, Saudi Arabia