The Dark Side of Niceness: How Narcissists Exploit and Manipulate
By: Dr. Salihu Lukman
Introduction
In a world where kindness and compassion are widely regarded as virtues, it’s unfortunate that some individuals exploit these traits for their own gain. Narcissists, with their manipulative tendencies, are masterful at using the seemingly harmless trait of niceness to exploit and manipulate those around them. In this article, I delve into the dark side of niceness and shed light on how narcissists leverage it to perpetrate untold hardship on unsuspecting kind souls.
How Narcissists Exploit Niceness
I have written a 6-part series on narcissists recently in the Hausa language titled, “Narcissist – Zuma Ga Zaqi Ga Harbi, Marmari Daga Nesa”, where I unboxed the ABCs of narcissists with clear examples and demonstrations. You can find the articles here:
https://salihulukman.com/narcissist-zuma-ga-zaqi-ga-harbi-marmari-daga-nesa-1/
To clearly understand who narcissists are and how they affect your life negatively, you need to read the detailed 6-part series. Find below, a summary of ways that narcissists and antagonistic persons can exploit one’s niceness.
- The Charismatic Mask: Narcissists possess an uncanny ability to put on a charismatic mask, making themselves appear likeable, charming, and trustworthy. They easily win over the hearts of genuine, nice individuals who are drawn to their seemingly genuine intentions. By presenting themselves as kind and approachable, narcissists create the perfect facade to exploit the goodwill of others.
- Emotional Manipulation: Nice people often have a natural inclination to be empathetic, always striving to understand and support others. Narcissists exploit this empathy by manipulating emotions. They use guilt, flattery, and emotional manipulation to assert control and influence over their victims. By preying on the trusting nature of nice individuals, narcissists slowly gain power and dominance over them.
- Building Dependency: Narcissists are skilled at identifying individuals who are prone to putting others’ needs before their own. They capitalize on this by subtly encouraging dependency. By selectively offering just enough support and validation, they make nice individuals reliant on their approval and validation, gradually eroding their self-confidence and personal boundaries.
- Gaslighting and Distortion: One of the most insidious tactics that narcissists employ is gaslighting. They manipulate the perception of reality, making their victims doubt their own experiences and emotions. Nice individuals, with their trusting nature, are particularly susceptible to this form of manipulation. By distorting the truth and sowing seeds of doubt, narcissists gain control over their victims and perpetuate their own agenda.
- Exploiting Empathy: Nice people often possess a deep well of empathy, always willing to lend a listening ear and offer support. Narcissists exploit this empathy by turning the tables, making themselves the victims in need of constant attention and care. They take advantage of the kindness and compassion of nice individuals, leaving them emotionally drained and neglected in the process.
The popular social media influencer, Reno Omokri, has made several important posts on his social media handles regarding this subject matter. I intend to reproduce some of these posts in quotes and comment on them, including the viral comment by Vice President Kashim Shettima on former Vice President Osinbajo.
“What is the benefit of being NICE? NICENESS is NOT a VIRTUE. It is a WEAKNESS. God does NOT reward NICENESS. NICENESS just means you are INOFFENSIVE, ANODYNE and easy to TAKE ADVANTAGE of. Be KIND. Be LOVING. Be HONEST. Be PATIENT. But dont be NICE” – Reno Omokri
https://twitter.com/renoomokri/status/1164788986671292416
While I understand that there are individuals who exploit niceness for their own gain, it is important to approach this topic with nuance and balance. Niceness, when practiced in a healthy and assertive manner, can be a virtue that promotes kindness, empathy, and positive interactions. It is essential to differentiate between being nice and being a pushover.
Being nice does not equate to being weak or lacking virtue. It involves showing genuine compassion, respect, and consideration for others without compromising one’s own boundaries. Kindness, love, honesty, and patience are all valuable qualities that contribute to building meaningful relationships and fostering a harmonious society.
Yes, there are instances where being overly nice can make one more susceptible to manipulation, especially by individuals with exploitative intentions. However, it is crucial to strike a balance between kindness and assertiveness. Setting healthy boundaries and being aware of red flags can help protect against those who seek to take advantage.
Rather than dismissing niceness, we should encourage individuals to develop emotional intelligence, assertiveness, and the ability to navigate complex social dynamics. It is possible to be both kind and assertive, and by doing so, we can maintain our integrity while still exhibiting compassion and empathy.
Ultimately, it is essential to remember that being nice is a personal choice, and its value should not be undermined by the actions of those who misuse it. Let us strive to create a world where kindness is celebrated, and individuals are empowered to be both kind and strong.
“Stop being nice. Niceness is a waste of time because people will respond to you out of their nature and not because of your niceness. A snake bites. That is its nature. No matter how nice you are to a snake, it will still bite you. A goat eats your yam. No matter how nice you are to it, it will steal eat your yam. So, treat everyone with courtesy and respect. But don’t displease yourself to please others. There is no profit in it. Those who will still dislike you will dislike you no matter how nice you are to them. There are nine fruit of the Spirit listed in Scripture and niceness is not one of them. Instead of being nice, relax and be yourself.” Reno Omokri
https://www.facebook.com/search/top/?q=Stop%20being%20nice
It is crucial to maintain self-respect and set clear boundaries, even when being kind and courteous. Being kind does not mean disempowering oneself or going against one’s own values and well-being. By establishing boundaries and communicating assertively, we can maintain our integrity while still treating others with respect.
Rather than completely dismissing niceness, it is more beneficial to encourage individuals to find a balance between being true to themselves and treating others with kindness and respect. By being authentic and compassionate, we can foster connections and contribute to a more positive and inclusive world.
“There is a big difference between KINDNESS and NICENESS. KINDNESS is strategic and deliberate. It involves CHARITY to those with NECESSITY that they can’t meet by themselves. NICENESS is emotional. It involves CHARITY without CLARITY or PURPOSE” Reno omokri
https://twitter.com/renoomokri/status/1211889745841623041
Kindness, as described, involves strategic and deliberate acts of charity towards those in need. It encompasses empathy, compassion, and a genuine desire to help others improve their circumstances. Kindness, when practiced with intention and purpose, can bring about meaningful change and make a positive impact on individuals and communities.
On the other hand, niceness, as described, appears to emphasize a more emotional aspect of charity without clarity or purpose. While it is true that niceness alone may not always lead to tangible solutions or lasting impact, it can still contribute to fostering positive interactions and creating a sense of goodwill among people.
In reality, kindness and niceness are not mutually exclusive. Both can complement each other and be practiced in different contexts. Kindness can be strategic, deliberate, and rooted in empathy, while niceness can contribute to maintaining harmonious relationships and showing basic respect and courtesy to others.
Rather than pitting kindness against niceness, it is more beneficial to recognize that both have their place in human interactions. By combining strategic kindness with genuine niceness, we can create a more compassionate and understanding world where individuals support each other and foster positive change.
“I am not heartless because I refuse to give or lend you money (which you will never repay) for your emergency. Your failure to plan or prioritise is not my emergency. You can’t be using luxuries and begging for necessities. I never claimed to be nice. I am wise—big difference! My generosity is strategic, not erratic. I give where there is need, not where there is greed.” Reno Omokri
https://twitter.com/renoomokri/status/1686301365813858304
It is true that enabling irresponsible behavior can lead to a cycle of dependence and hinder personal growth. However, it is equally important to recognize that circumstances vary, and some emergencies may genuinely require assistance. Balancing wisdom and compassion allows us to make informed decisions while still being considerate of others’ struggles.
Ultimately, it is up to each individual to decide how they want to allocate their resources. However, it is worth considering how we can use our wisdom and generosity in a way that uplifts and supports others, promoting growth and resilience rather than perpetuating dependence or greed.
“Stop wasting words on people who deserve your silence. The beauty of silence is that it cannot be misquoted, yet it says so much. For instance, if someone insults you and you respond, they can twist your response. But stay silent, and it is they who will be twisted” Reno omokri
https://twitter.com/renoomokri/status/1413730400975740936?lang=en
While it is true that choosing silence can sometimes be a powerful tool, especially when dealing with a narcissist or antagonistic persons, in certain situations, it is important to approach communication with thoughtfulness and consider the context.
Silence can indeed protect one from being misquoted or having their words twisted. It allows for reflection and can prevent unnecessary escalation of conflicts. There are instances where responding to insults or provocations may only fuel further negativity.
However, it is also important to recognize that silence may not always be the most effective response. In some cases, speaking up and addressing concerns directly can lead to resolution, understanding, and growth.
Each situation is unique, and it is essential to assess whether silence is the most appropriate response based on the circumstances and one’s own values. Sometimes silence can be empowering, allowing one to maintain their dignity and not engage in unnecessary conflicts. However, there are also instances where speaking up can convey important messages, assert boundaries, or foster productive dialogue.
Ultimately, it comes down to personal judgment and understanding when to embrace the power of silence and when to use our words to make a positive impact. Striking the right balance between silence and communication is key to effective and meaningful interactions.
“Osinbajo is a good man; he’s a nice man. But nice men do not make good leaders, because nice men tend to be nasty. Nice men should be selling popcorn, ice cream.” Vice President Kashim Shettima.
https://www.facebook.com/watch/?v=594639861758089
While I understand that the statement suggests that being “nice” may not be sufficient for effective leadership, it is important to consider that leadership qualities encompass a wide range of attributes beyond just being “nice” or “nasty.”
Leadership effectiveness relies on a variety of qualities such as integrity, decisiveness, vision, empathy, and the ability to make tough decisions when necessary. While being “nice” alone may not guarantee effective leadership, it does not automatically imply that nice individuals are incapable of being good leaders.
Leaders can exhibit kindness, compassion, and empathy while still displaying the necessary assertiveness and strength to make difficult decisions for the greater good. Being nice does not equate to being weak or lacking the qualities needed to lead effectively.
Ultimately, leadership success depends on a combination of various characteristics, skills, and experiences. It is crucial to evaluate leaders based on their overall abilities, their approach to decision-making, and their track record, rather than solely on the perception of being “nice” or “nasty.”
So, it is important to look beyond just the label of “nice” when assessing someone’s leadership capabilities and consider a broader range of qualities and competencies that contribute to effective leadership.
Conclusion
While niceness is generally viewed as a positive trait, it’s crucial to recognize how narcissists exploit and manipulate these virtues for their own gain. By understanding their tactics, we can better protect ourselves and those around us. Let us remain cautious, but not let the actions of a few tarnish the beauty of kindness. Kindness should always be celebrated, but it’s equally important to be aware of those who would exploit it.
Lastly, do not allow anybody to take your niceness and empathy for granted. Do not subsidize irresponsibility under any circumstances. Be as pragmatic as possible.
Salihu Lukman is an Assistant Professor of Civil Engineering at the University of Hafr Al Batin, Saudi Arabia.