Mastering Your Inner Compass: A Guide to Self-Regulation and Growth

By: Dr. Salihu Lukman

Highlights:

1. Do not use external stimuli to regulate your internal emotions or issues.
2. Do not gage your internal urges of say, insecurity or vulnerabilities using external validation.
3. Learn enough about yourself, your environment, and others around you. Observe a rock-solid boundary in your interactions with others without overstepping your boundaries, and observe empathy at all times.
4. Identify your internal worries and conflicts and never project them onto another person or make it appear as though your internal worries or emotional dysregulation are a direct consequence of external stimuli.
5. Take full responsibility for your inadequacies and don’t engage in blame-shifting or gaslighting.
6. You can become your own therapist by identifying the flaws in your personality traits and working hard on them without blaming others around you, or seek professional help from a therapist who can help you navigate through your inner self better.

Introduction

Our emotions are powerful forces, and learning to manage them effectively rather than relying on external factors is crucial for mental well-being and healthy relationships. Here are 6 steps to cultivate self-awareness and emotional regulation, empowering you to navigate life’s challenges:

1) Disconnect from Emotional Dependence:

• The Problem: Often, we use external things like social media, shopping, or unhealthy relationships to temporarily mask our deeper emotional needs or emotional dysregulation.

• Suggestion: Identify healthy coping mechanisms. Practice mindfulness. Take time to identify your emotions without judgment. Take deep breaths (learn breathwork), meditate, exercise, or journal to identify the underlying emotions. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” and “What underlying need might this feeling be pointing to?”
• Example: (1) Feeling stressed? Take a brisk walk or try a calming breathing exercise rather than reaching for sugary snacks or venting out unnecessarily like a mad dog.
• (2) Feeling lonely? Instead of mindlessly scrolling through social media or binge-watching pornography, reach out to a friend or join a beneficial club to connect authentically.

2) Self-Validation over Seeking External Approval:

• The Problem: Seeking constant validation from others for our feelings or choices can create dependence, leave us feeling insecure and disappointed, and create a fragile sense of self. Our self-worth shouldn’t depend on others’ opinions or admiration.
• Suggestion: Develop a healthy sense of self-worth that is independent of likes or dislikes, i.e., focus on internal validation. Acknowledge your vulnerabilities and celebrate your strengths. Practice positive affirmations to boost your confidence.
• Example: (1) Feeling unsure about a career decision? Talk to a trusted mentor, but ultimately, trust your gut instinct and choose the path that aligns with your goals.
• (2) Feeling insecure about a public speaking skill? Focus on your past successes and areas for improvement. Practice affirmations like “I am capable and I will learn from this experience.”
• (3) Instead of constantly and obsessively seeking social media validation on your posts via likes, shares, and positive comments, focus on creating content you enjoy and expressing yourself authentically without seeking any admiration or being histrionic to attract an audience.

 

3) Boundaries and Empathy – A Delicate Balance:

• The Problem: Healthy boundaries are essential, but so is empathy. We need to understand ourselves and others fully well. Unhealthy boundaries can lead to codependency or feeling drained in relationships. A lack of empathy can damage relationships. Not setting boundaries can lead to emotional overload and resentment.

• Suggestion: Learn to say “no” in words or actions and set clear boundaries around your time, energy, and interactions. Actively listen to understand others’ perspectives even when you differ. Do not allow your empathy to be exploited. Educate yourself on healthy communication. Practice assertive communication without sounding too bold or confrontational, and express your needs while being respectful. Learn when to defend, engage, explain, or personalize (DEEP), because silence cannot be misquoted. Accept that you can’t control everything or everyone. Focus on what you can influence – your own thoughts, actions, and reactions. Let go of situations and people you have no power to change.

• Example: (1) Feeling overwhelmed by a friend’s negativity? Gently communicate that you need space to recharge while offering a listening ear when he is ready to talk constructively.
• (2) When a friend is in financial need and you are in a position to help, analyze his state critically and wholistically and help in a sustainable manner that is devoid of ostentation or any larger-than-life coloration. Be realistic and pragmatic in all financial decisions.

4) Owning Your Emotional Landscape:

• The Problem: Blaming others for our feelings allows us to avoid taking responsibility for our reactions. Projecting our anxieties or anger onto others can damage relationships. We need to take responsibility for our feelings.

• Suggestion: Take responsibility for your emotions. When feeling upset, identify the root cause within yourself instead of blaming external factors. Recognize the triggers that spark negative emotions within you and learn healthy means of containing them rather than spewing fire at all and sundry. Explore healthy ways to express feelings and avoid emotional outbursts via rage, aggression, or vindiction. In other words, learn to be emotionally intelligent. Avoid being judgemental, understand clearly other people’s perspectives, and give excuses when necessary while maintaining appropriate boundaries.

• Example: (1) Feeling frustrated with a spouse’s mistake? Address the issue directly and calmly, acknowledging your own frustration without making unfounded accusations or unnecessary devaluation.
• (2) Feeling angry at a colleague’s slight mistake? Recognize your anger is due to your perfectionist tendencies. Address the situation calmly and directly with your colleague.
• (3) Feeling frustrated with a family member? Identify the specific behavior that bothers you and calmly express your feelings in a respectful manner. Avoid accusatory statements.
• (4) Feeling excessively jealous at your spouse’s interaction with the opposite sex at work or school? Recognize your excessive jealousy is due to your obsessive tendencies. Address the situation calmly and directly with your spouse only if there is a genuine and unselfish call for concern.

5) Embrace Accountability:

• The Problem: Blaming others for our shortcomings and vulnerabilities hinders growth. Accepting responsibility empowers us to learn and change.

• Suggestion: Practice self-awareness. Analyze situations honestly and identify areas for improvement. Acknowledge your mistakes and take responsibility for your actions or inactions. Do not use regrets to get depressed. Review untoward past events not to lament but to learn from the situation and gain good experience for the future.

• Example:(1) Missed a deadline? Acknowledge your role in the delay and communicate with your boss proactively to find a solution. Analyze why you procrastinated and develop strategies for better time management next time rather than accusing your boss of overworking you.
• (2) Made a work error? Apologize sincerely to your colleagues and work towards rectifying the situation rather than trying to find a scapegoat.
• (3) Are you the nagging type of a spouse? Identify all your triggers and work assiduously toward desensitizing yourself while maintaining appropriate boundaries and being empathic.

6) Become Your Own Therapist or Seek Help:

• The Problem: Ignoring underlying emotional issues can lead to much bigger problems in the future. We all have flaws, nobody is perfect, and it’s okay to seek help. Therapy can be a powerful tool for self-discovery.

• Suggestion: Invest in your emotional well-being. Explore self-help resources like books, podcasts, or online courses and YouTube channels focused on emotional intelligence and mental health. Consider taking the Big Five (OCEAN) or Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) tests. These offer insights into core traits but remember, they are starting points, not absolutes. If you need additional support, don’t hesitate to seek professional help from a therapist for deeper exploration and guidance.
• Example: (1) Feeling overwhelmed by stress? Research stress-management techniques. If it persists, consider seeking therapy to develop coping mechanisms.
• (2) Feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions? Read self-help books on managing anxiety or depression. Consider therapy for deeper exploration and personalized guidance.

Conclusion

Remember, self-regulation is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself, celebrate your progress, and don’t be afraid to seek help when needed. By taking charge of your emotional landscape, you’ll cultivate healthier relationships, greater self-awareness, and ultimately, find greater peace within yourself.

Tagged : empathy / exploitation / manipulation / psychology