Should Women Work? Empowering Women’s Choices, Challenging Control, Celebrating Aspiration, and Supporting Women in Marriage
By: Dr. Salihu Lukman
I want to share an interesting discussion with my friend, Dr. Usman Isyaku in his post about allowing a wife to go out and work. I will reproduce his post and comment which are available on our Facebook walls for context. Happy reading.
Dr. Isyaku’s post:
People always ask women, “what are you bringing to the table?”. Well, a woman can bring many things to the table, it all depends on what kind of table you have. If you have a shiny marble table, they bring shiny dinner sets, if you have a wooden broken table, they bring nails and gum to help you mend it.
After i prepared my table, the last thing I will ever want a woman to bring to it is money. I don’t want a working woman who is struggling to go out and work for a boss like me. I never wanted an absentee wife who leaves the house to hustle for money like me. I looked for something opposite to what I am doing. Someone who can stay at home to take care of the kids and be present. Someone who works or do business from home to make her own money and spend it on the things she wants. I never wanted a woman that spends a Kobo to help me run the household. Funding is done by me and I am happy to continue to do so indefinitely. Raising children is alot of hardwork that shouldn’t be combined with external work. Its a full time job that must be respected and rewarded.
When I was searching for a wife, I looked for a respectful and cooperative woman who has good family values and is 100% committed to the marriage relationship as a first priority. Someone who is attractive enough to bring me back home every single day after work. Someone who can push me to grow and become the best man I can ever be. Someone who is supportive and comforting. She has no business helping me or my children with money. I can make more than enough for all of us!
My comment
Dr. Usman Isyaku’s post reflects a traditional view of gender roles, where a man’s primary role is financial provision, and a woman’s is to stay at home, care for children, and manage domestic responsibilities. While this perspective is valid for some relationships, it is important to consider a broader viewpoint that embraces the evolving societal norms and the diverse aspirations of women.
Importance of Women in Healthcare and Education
Women play a crucial role in sectors like healthcare and education, not just for their ability to contribute professionally but also because of the unique empathy, understanding, and care they often bring to these fields. For instance, in healthcare, many women feel more comfortable being examined by female doctors, especially in intimate situations like gynecological exams or childbirth. For a man, knowing that his wife is being cared for by another woman during such moments provides peace of mind and maintains a sense of dignity for both partners. If the husbands of those female medical doctors and other female healthcare providers weren’t allowed to work, no woman would be attending to one’s wife’s gynecological and obstetrics needs and this is a big problem for most men.
In education, women educators often serve as nurturing figures, especially in early childhood education. They help shape the emotional and social development of children, offering a motherly touch that complements academic learning. Denying women the opportunity to work in these fields could lead to a society where people lack options for care and support from those who understand their unique experiences.
Impact of Working on Women’s Psychological State
The notion that a woman’s primary role should be confined to the home overlooks the psychological and emotional benefits many women derive from working outside the home. Work can provide women with a sense of purpose, and intellectual fulfillment. Being part of a workforce gives women opportunities to develop skills, contribute to society, and form social connections that enrich their lives.
Denying women the ability to pursue their professional interests can lead to feelings of confinement, unfulfilled potential, and even resentment. By supporting women in pursuing their ambitions when the situation calls for it and it is convenient for the husband and her children, we are acknowledging their rights to self-determination and personal growth.
Flexibility in Roles
While not all women need or want to work outside of their homes, those who wish to pursue careers should be supported. A woman’s desire to contribute to society, through work or business, does not undermine her ability to be a nurturing and present mother or partner. It’s important to understand that working outside the home does not necessarily make a woman “absent” from her family. Many women successfully balance work and family, demonstrating that external work can coexist with strong family values.
Financial Contribution Is Not the Only Value
The argument that a woman should not contribute financially to the household because the man can “make more than enough” dismisses the fact that financial contribution is not the only form of value a woman brings. Women bring emotional, intellectual, and social support to relationships, and in some cases, they may also desire to contribute financially—not because they have to, but because it makes them feel fulfilled. A woman’s financial state can also provide a safety net in difficult situations, like the death of the husband, which strengthens the family unit rather than weakens it.
Supporting Aspirations and Dreams
Just as men have the right to aspire to greatness, to grow, and to pursue their dreams, women should have the same opportunity under a conducive atmosphere. Society stands to benefit when women are empowered to achieve their full potential. Husbands who support their wives’ dreams foster a relationship built on mutual respect and shared growth. When the environment is conducive, such as when childcare support is available or when the work-life balance is manageable, women should be encouraged to pursue their passions and interests.
Conclusion
While the sentiment in the passage of wanting a supportive, nurturing wife is valid, it is equally important to understand that women are not a monolith. Some women thrive as full-time homemakers, while others flourish in professional careers. The key is allowing women the freedom to choose the path that aligns with their values, desires, and personal aspirations so long as it is convenient for the husband. A balanced and equitable relationship is one where both partners can support each other, not just financially, but emotionally and in their respective personal growth. By doing so, we foster a more inclusive and harmonious society, where everyone, regardless of gender, has the opportunity to thrive.
Dr. Isyaku’s comment:
I agree, Prof. People have to find what works for them. A lot of these fundamental differences have ruined many marriages. I refused to marry many medical doctors for the fact that they have to work at the hospital. In as much as many people are looking for such women to marriage justifiably, they are not for those like me.
My response
While personal preferences are valid, they should not become an excuse to undermine the potential and ambitions of a wife, especially when such choices impact the family’s well-being or suppress the rights of the wife. Let me dissect my points.
(1) Irresponsible Men Who Prevent Wives from Working
Some men claim they do not want their wives to work due to “principles,” but they simultaneously fail to fulfill their role as the family’s financial provider. In such cases, preventing the wife from working becomes not a matter of preference or principle, but an exercise in control and selfishness. If a man insists on keeping his wife at home but is unable or unwilling to meet the family’s basic needs—such as feeding, schooling, clothing, and other necessities—he is failing in his duties as a responsible partner and father.
It is hypocritical and narcissistic to deny a wife the opportunity to contribute financially to the household, while also not providing adequately for the family. Preventing a woman from working under the guise of “principle” while failing to uphold the duties of a provider reflects more on a man’s insecurity than on any genuine desire to maintain traditional gender roles. A real partnership is built on the ability to collaborate and adapt, especially when circumstances such as financial difficulty arise.
(2) The Daughter’s Perspective – A Medical Degree and Denied Work
Imagine your daughter spends years working diligently to achieve a medical MBBS degree, investing her time, energy, and passion to become a doctor. She dreams of helping others, saving lives, and contributing meaningfully to society. Now imagine her husband denying her the right to work because of his so-called preference against working women. How would you react to this decision?
It would likely be a crushing disappointment for both you and your daughter. As a parent, you’d have supported her aspirations, celebrated her achievements, and nurtured her dreams. For a husband to deny her the right to work after all her hard work and dedication would feel like a betrayal of those dreams. Such a decision would not only disrespect her professional achievements but also limit her personal fulfillment, self-worth, and the opportunity to use her skills to improve society. Moreover, it is a waste of talent and education—resources that could be used to benefit the community.
This type of control over a woman’s professional life is an example of undue dominance and is often rooted in fear or insecurity, not genuine concern for the well-being of the marriage or family. A healthy marriage should encourage growth, both individually and together, where partners uplift and support each other’s ambitions, not suppress them.
(3) The Value of Women in Society and Marriage
Personal preferences in relationships are natural, but when those preferences extend to controlling and limiting another person’s freedom or growth, they become harmful. Women—like men—have the right to pursue their education, careers, and dreams. Preventing them from doing so denies their autonomy and potential. When a woman earns a degree or builds a career, it is not just a personal achievement; it’s an investment in the future of her family, her community, and society at large.
For instance, imagine the difference your daughter could make as a doctor—saving lives, improving public health, and serving as a role model for younger generations. To deny her this opportunity because of a husband’s preferences is a disservice not only to her but to the countless people she could have helped. Moreover, the societal benefits of women working in critical professions like healthcare, education, and science are profound. Women bring diversity, empathy, and a different perspective that enriches these fields.
(4) Mutual Respect and Adaptation in Marriage
While it’s important to find someone compatible with your values and lifestyle, marriage should not be about forcing one partner into a predetermined mold. Instead, it should be about mutual respect, adaptation, and supporting each other’s dreams. If a man prefers a wife who stays at home, it’s essential that he communicates this early in the relationship and ensures that he can fully meet the family’s needs without her contribution. If the man is failing to provide, his refusal to allow his wife to work reflects selfishness rather than love.
Marriage is a union where both people should have the freedom to grow and contribute in the way that suits their abilities and desires. In cases where the wife is passionate about her career, the husband’s role should be to support her if the condition is conductive just as he would expect her to support him in his endeavors. Having a water-tight control that completely prevents a wife from working even when the atmosphere is conducive, is in my humble opinion too restrictive and controlling and could negatively impact the union.
The argument for not marrying working women based on personal preference is valid if both partners agree to it, but it becomes deeply flawed when it evolves into controlling behavior that limits a woman’s rights or suppresses her potential. In a world where women’s education and professional contributions are increasingly recognized as essential, it could be considered regressive to say the least, and harmful at worst to restrict them from working in the right atmosphere, especially when doing so compromises the family’s well-being.
If a man claims he doesn’t want a working wife yet fails to meet the family’s needs as is mostly the case in our contemporary society, he is simply masking irresponsibility under the guise of “principle”. Moreover, for a father to watch his daughter work so hard to achieve a medical degree only to be denied the right to work by her husband would be heart-wrenching. Such control is neither respectful nor conducive to a healthy, fulfilling marriage. Instead, husbands should uplift their wives, respect their choices, and support their dreams, as true love involves growing together, not holding each other back.
