Mastering Your Inner Compass: A Guide to Self-Regulation and Growth
By: Dr. Salihu Lukman
Highlights:
Do not use external stimuli to regulate your internal emotions or issues.
Do not gage your internal urges of say, insecurity or vulnerabilities using external validation.
Learn enough about yourself, your environment, and others around you. Observe a rock-solid boundary in your interactions with others without overstepping your boundaries, and observe empathy at all times.
Identify your internal worries and conflicts and never project them onto another person or make it appear as though your internal worries or emotional dysregulation are a direct consequence of external stimuli.
Take full responsibility for your inadequacies and don’t engage in blame-shifting or gaslighting.
You can become your own therapist by identifying the flaws in your personality traits and working hard on them without blaming others around you, or seek professional help from a therapist who can help you navigate through your inner self better.
Introduction
Our emotions are powerful forces, and learning to manage them effectively rather than relying on external factors is crucial for mental well-being and healthy relationships. Here are 6 steps to cultivate self-awareness and emotional regulation, empowering you to navigate life’s challenges:
1) Disconnect from Emotional Dependence:
The Problem: Often, we use external things like social media, shopping, or unhealthy relationships to temporarily mask our deeper emotional needs or emotional dysregulation.
Suggestion: Identify healthy coping mechanisms. Practice mindfulness. Take time to identify your emotions without judgment. Take deep breaths (learn breathwork), meditate, exercise, or journal to identify the underlying emotions. Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” and “What underlying need might this feeling be pointing to?”
Example: (1) Feeling stressed? Take a brisk walk or try a calming breathing exercise rather than reaching for sugary snacks or venting out unnecessarily like a mad dog.
(2) Feeling lonely? Instead of mindlessly scrolling through social media or binge-watching pornography, reach out to a friend or join a beneficial club to connect authentically.
2) Self-Validation over Seeking External Approval:
The Problem: Seeking constant validation from others for our feelings or choices can create dependence, leave us feeling insecure and disappointed, and create a fragile sense of self. Our self-worth shouldn’t depend on others’ opinions or admiration.
Suggestion: Develop a healthy sense of self-worth that is independent of likes or dislikes, i.e., focus on internal validation. Acknowledge your vulnerabilities and celebrate your strengths. Practice positive affirmations to boost your confidence.
Example: (1) Feeling unsure about a career decision? Talk to a trusted mentor, but ultimately, trust your gut instinct and choose the path that aligns with your goals.
(2) Feeling insecure about a public speaking skill? Focus on your past successes and areas for improvement. Practice affirmations like “I am capable and I will learn from this experience.”
(3) Instead of constantly and obsessively seeking social media validation on your posts via likes, shares, and positive comments, focus on creating content you enjoy and expressing yourself authentically without seeking any admiration or being histrionic to attract an audience.
3) Boundaries and Empathy – A Delicate Balance:
The Problem: Healthy boundaries are essential, but so is empathy. We need to understand ourselves and others fully well. Unhealthy boundaries can lead to codependency or feeling drained in relationships. A lack of empathy can damage relationships. Not setting boundaries can lead to emotional overload and resentment.
Suggestion: Learn to say “no” in words or actions and set clear boundaries around your time, energy, and interactions. Actively listen to understand others’ perspectives even when you differ. Do not allow your empathy to be exploited. Educate yourself on healthy communication. Practice assertive communication without sounding too bold or confrontational, and express your needs while being respectful. Learn when to defend, engage, explain, or personalize (DEEP), because silence cannot be misquoted. Accept that you can’t control everything or everyone. Focus on what you can influence – your own thoughts, actions, and reactions. Let go of situations and people you have no power to change.
Example: (1) Feeling overwhelmed by a friend’s negativity? Gently communicate that you need space to recharge while offering a listening ear when he is ready to talk constructively.
(2) When a friend is in financial need and you are in a position to help, analyze his state critically and wholistically and help in a sustainable manner that is devoid of ostentation or any larger-than-life coloration. Be realistic and pragmatic in all financial decisions.
4) Owning Your Emotional Landscape:
The Problem: Blaming others for our feelings allows us to avoid taking responsibility for our reactions. Projecting our anxieties or anger onto others can damage relationships. We need to take responsibility for our feelings.
Suggestion: Take responsibility for your emotions. When feeling upset, identify the root cause within yourself instead of blaming external factors. Recognize the triggers that spark negative emotions within you and learn healthy means of containing them rather than spewing fire at all and sundry. Explore healthy ways to express feelings and avoid emotional outbursts via rage, aggression, or vindiction. In other words, learn to be emotionally intelligent. Avoid being judgemental, understand clearly other people’s perspectives, and give excuses when necessary while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
Example: (1) Feeling frustrated with a spouse’s mistake? Address the issue directly and calmly, acknowledging your own frustration without making unfounded accusations or unnecessary devaluation.
(2) Feeling angry at a colleague’s slight mistake? Recognize your anger is due to your perfectionist tendencies. Address the situation calmly and directly with your colleague.
(3) Feeling frustrated with a family member? Identify the specific behavior that bothers you and calmly express your feelings in a respectful manner. Avoid accusatory statements.
(4) Feeling excessively jealous at your spouse’s interaction with the opposite sex at work or school? Recognize your excessive jealousy is due to your obsessive tendencies. Address the situation calmly and directly with your spouse only if there is a genuine and unselfish call for concern.
5) Embrace Accountability:
The Problem: Blaming others for our shortcomings and vulnerabilities hinders growth. Accepting responsibility empowers us to learn and change.
Suggestion: Practice self-awareness. Analyze situations honestly and identify areas for improvement. Acknowledge your mistakes and take responsibility for your actions or inactions. Do not use regrets to get depressed. Review untoward past events not to lament but to learn from the situation and gain good experience for the future.
Example:(1) Missed a deadline? Acknowledge your role in the delay and communicate with your boss proactively to find a solution. Analyze why you procrastinated and develop strategies for better time management next time rather than accusing your boss of overworking you.
(2) Made a work error? Apologize sincerely to your colleagues and work towards rectifying the situation rather than trying to find a scapegoat.
(3) Are you the nagging type of a spouse? Identify all your triggers and work assiduously toward desensitizing yourself while maintaining appropriate boundaries and being empathic.
6) Become Your Own Therapist or Seek Help:
The Problem: Ignoring underlying emotional issues can lead to much bigger problems in the future. We all have flaws, nobody is perfect, and it’s okay to seek help. Therapy can be a powerful tool for self-discovery.
Suggestion: Invest in your emotional well-being. Explore self-help resources like books, podcasts, or online courses and YouTube channels focused on emotional intelligence and mental health. Consider taking the Big Five (OCEAN) or Myers-Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) tests. These offer insights into core traits but remember, they are starting points, not absolutes. If you need additional support, don’t hesitate to seek professional help from a therapist for deeper exploration and guidance.
Example: (1) Feeling overwhelmed by stress? Research stress-management techniques. If it persists, consider seeking therapy to develop coping mechanisms.
(2) Feeling overwhelmed by negative emotions? Read self-help books on managing anxiety or depression. Consider therapy for deeper exploration and personalized guidance.
Conclusion
Remember, self-regulation is a journey, not a destination. Be patient with yourself, celebrate your progress, and don’t be afraid to seek help when needed. By taking charge of your emotional landscape, you’ll cultivate healthier relationships, greater self-awareness, and ultimately, find greater peace within yourself.
The Power of Empathy: Nurturing Compassionate Connections in an Unempathetic World
By: Dr. Salihu Lukman
Highlights
The Essence of Empathy
What is Emotional Intelligence?
How Does Empathy Affect Emotional Intelligence?
Empathy and Personal Development
The Bright Triad
Exploitation of Empathy
Understanding Empathy in Mental Disorders
Raising Empathetic Children
Empathy in Interpersonal and Intimate Relationships
Introduction
Welcome to a thought-provoking exploration of empathy, a fundamental trait that shapes our relationships and influences our personal growth. In this article, we will delve into the significance of empathy, its impact on emotional intelligence, and how it can foster compassion, consideration, and overall kindness. We will also shed light on the unfortunate exploitation of empathetic individuals by certain personality patterns while offering insights into raising empathetic children and understanding the challenges faced by those with specific mental disorders. Join us on this journey as we uncover the profound role empathy plays in various interpersonal and intimate relationships.
The Essence of Empathy
Empathy, distinct from sympathy, is a powerful force that allows us to understand and share the genuine feelings of others. It serves as a cornerstone for emotional intelligence, enabling us to connect deeply with those around us. By embracing empathy, we become better equipped to navigate the complexities of human emotions, fostering harmonious relationships and personal growth.
What is Emotional Intelligence?
Emotional intelligence, often referred to as EQ (Emotional Quotient), is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage our own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. It involves being aware of our feelings, having empathy for others, and effectively using emotional information to guide our thoughts and actions.
Emotional intelligence is a valuable skill that can positively impact various aspects of life, including personal relationships, professional success, and overall well-being. It can be developed and improved through self-reflection, practice, and a willingness to understand and connect with others on an emotional level.
How Does Empathy Affect Emotional Intelligence?
Empathy plays a crucial role in emotional intelligence. It allows individuals to understand and share the feelings of others, which in turn helps them navigate social interactions and build meaningful relationships. By being empathetic, one can better recognize and respond to the emotions of others, leading to improved communication and conflict-resolution skills. Empathy also fosters a sense of compassion and understanding, which contributes to a more harmonious and empathetic society.
Here are three specific examples of how empathy affects emotional intelligence:
Improved Communication: When someone is empathetic, they actively listen and try to understand the emotions and perspectives of others. This allows them to communicate more effectively, as they can tailor their message to be more sensitive and considerate. By acknowledging and validating the emotions of others, empathetic individuals can create a safe and supportive environment for open dialogue.
Conflict Resolution: Empathy plays a vital role in resolving conflicts. By empathizing with the emotions and needs of all parties involved, individuals can find common ground and work towards a mutually beneficial solution. Empathy helps de-escalate tense situations, as it allows people to see beyond their own viewpoint and consider the feelings and perspectives of others involved.
Building Relationships: Empathy is a key ingredient in building strong and meaningful relationships. When someone is empathetic, they are more attuned to the emotions and needs of others, which helps foster trust and connection. By showing genuine care and understanding, empathetic individuals can create deeper bonds and establish a supportive network of relationships.
These are just a few examples of how empathy positively impacts emotional intelligence, leading to better communication, conflict resolution, and relationship-building skills.
Reno Omokri has this to say on the significance of EQ over and above IQ (Intelligence Quotient).
“IQ will help you pass exams, but it is EQ that will make you pass in life. That is why those who come first at school, hardly come first in life. Because in life, academics do not affect social dynamics. EQ or Emotional Intelligence helps you get along with people. When you have a high EQ, you are less irritable, fun to be with, and more tolerant. And your personality always affects your upward mobility.”
“IQ is what you know, EQ is how you use what you know. IQ is like a car, EQ is like the driver. You can have a very expensive car, but if you don’t know how to drive it, it’s useless.”
“EQ is the ability to understand and manage your own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. It’s the ability to build and maintain relationships, and to resolve conflict peacefully. EQ is more important than IQ in the workplace and in life.”
Empathy and Personal Development
Scoring high on empathy not only makes us better individuals but also enhances our ability to relate to others. It empowers us to offer genuine support, lend a listening ear, and provide comfort during challenging times. By nurturing empathy within ourselves and our children, we lay the foundation for a more compassionate and understanding society.
Here are three specific examples of how empathy improves personal development:
Self-awareness: Empathy allows individuals to understand and connect with the emotions of others. By practicing empathy, individuals can also develop a deeper understanding of their own emotions and motivations. This self-awareness helps in personal development by enabling individuals to recognize their strengths, weaknesses, and areas for growth. It allows them to reflect on their own actions and make positive changes to become more empathetic and compassionate individuals.
Emotional regulation: Empathy helps individuals develop better emotional regulation skills. When someone is empathetic, they are more attuned to the emotions of others and can recognize and understand their own emotions more effectively. This awareness and understanding of emotions enable individuals to regulate their own emotional responses in a healthier and more constructive manner. By practicing empathy, individuals can learn to manage stress, handle conflicts, and respond to challenging situations with greater emotional intelligence.
Perspective-taking: Empathy involves putting oneself in someone else’s shoes and seeing the world from their perspective. This ability to take different perspectives helps in personal development by broadening one’s understanding of the world and fostering a more open-minded and inclusive mindset. By practicing empathy, individuals can challenge their own biases and assumptions, develop a greater appreciation for diversity, and become more adaptable and flexible in their thinking.
These are just a few examples of how empathy improves personal development by enhancing self-awareness, emotional regulation, and perspective-taking skills. By cultivating empathy, individuals can grow personally and become more compassionate and understanding individuals.
The ‘Bright Triad’
The ‘Bright Triad’ is my coinage, taking a cue from the Dark Triad of narcissism (Narcissism, Marchiavellianism, Psychopathy) which I elaborated on in one of the 6-part series I wrote on narcissist and narcissistic relationships (https://salihulukman.com/part-5-narcissist-zuma-ga-zaqi-ga-harbi-marmari-daga-nesa/). The Bright Triad here includes empathy, emotional intelligence, and non-judgmental. These represent 3 bright attributes that one should strive to nurture and score high on each one of them, and they are closely interrelated.
Empathy is closely related to emotional intelligence and being non-judgmental. Emotional intelligence involves the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one’s own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. Empathy is a key component of emotional intelligence as it allows individuals to connect with and understand the emotions of others.
Being non-judgmental is an important aspect of empathy and emotional intelligence. When someone is non-judgmental, they suspend their personal biases and preconceived notions, allowing them to truly empathize with others without passing judgment. This open-mindedness and acceptance create a safe space for individuals to express their emotions freely, knowing that they will be understood and supported.
By practicing empathy and being non-judgmental, individuals can enhance their emotional intelligence. They become more attuned to the emotions of others, better equipped to manage their own emotions, and capable of fostering positive and supportive relationships. This combination of empathy, emotional intelligence, and non-judgmental attitude contributes to a more compassionate and understanding society.
Exploitation of Empathy
Regrettably, certain personality patterns, such as narcissists and psychopaths, may exploit empathetic individuals for their own gain. I have explored how these antagonistic personalities manipulate, exploit, and take advantage of empathetic traits and, shed light on the importance of setting healthy boundaries to protect yourself in my previous article titled, “The Dark Side of Niceness: How Narcissists Exploit and Manipulate”, available at:
I will explore how certain mental disorders, such as narcissistic personality disorder, obsessive-compulsive personality disorder, autism spectrum disorder, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar disorder, can impact empathy. By gaining insights into these conditions, we can foster empathy and compassion towards individuals who may struggle to express or understand emotions in conventional ways.
Some people think that narcissists don’t have empathy at all. Well, their type of empathy – like all their other traits – is complicated. Narcissistic empathy, also known as “pseudo-empathy,” refers to a distorted or superficial form of empathy often exhibited by individuals with narcissistic personality traits. While narcissists may appear empathetic on the surface, their empathy tends to be self-serving, and driven by their own needs for admiration, control, or personal gain. This is also called transactional empathy.
Narcissistic empathy is characterized by a lack of genuine understanding or concern for the emotions and experiences of others. Instead, narcissists may mimic empathy to manipulate or exploit others for their own benefit. In other words, narcissists weaponize empathy. They may use selective empathy to appear caring when it aligns with their self-interests, but their empathy is typically inconsistent and lacks depth.
It is important to note that not all individuals with narcissistic traits exhibit this form of empathy, and the degree of narcissism can vary. However, when narcissistic empathy is present, it can hinder genuine emotional connection and lead to manipulative or exploitative behaviors in relationships. For a better understanding of narcissism and narcissistic empathy, watch the YouTube videos of the world’s number 1 expert on narcissism, Dr. Ramani Durvasula, a former professor of clinical psychology, who releases a daily video on narcissism and narcissistic relationships on her YouTube channel called, Dr. Ramani.
For a deeper treatment of narcissistic traits, I have written a 6-part series on narcissists recently in the Hausa language titled, “Narcissist – Zuma Ga Zaqi Ga Harbi, Marmari Daga Nesa”, where I unboxed the ABCs of narcissists with clear examples and demonstrations. You can find the articles here:
Next, is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). A person with BPD has unstable empathy which changes like a roller-coaster. Sometimes, he will appear hyper-empathetic and at other times, he can show no empathy at all. Just like his unstable sense of self or self-image which keeps on changing from time to time, so does his empathy.
Individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) often struggle with expressing or understanding empathy in conventional ways due to the unique challenges they face. BPD is a complex mental health condition characterized by intense emotional experiences, unstable relationships, and a distorted sense of self. Here are a few reasons why individuals with BPD may struggle with empathy:
Emotional Dysregulation: People with BPD often experience intense and rapidly shifting emotions, which can make it challenging for them to regulate their own emotions, let alone understand and respond to the emotions of others. This emotional dysregulation can hinder their ability to empathize in conventional ways.
Fear of Abandonment: Individuals with BPD commonly have a deep fear of abandonment, which can lead to difficulties in empathizing with others. Their fear and insecurity may cause them to be overly focused on their own emotional needs, making it challenging to fully understand or connect with the emotions of others.
Splitting and Idealization/Devaluation: BPD is associated with a pattern of splitting, where individuals may see others as either all good or all bad, i.e. purely white or black without any shades of grey in between. This black-and-white thinking can make it difficult to empathize with others, as they may struggle to see the nuances and complexities of different emotions or perspectives.
It is important to note that while individuals with BPD may struggle with empathy in conventional ways, it does not mean they are incapable of empathy altogether. With appropriate therapy and support, individuals with BPD can learn to develop and express empathy in more effective and healthy ways.
Individuals with obsessive-compulsive personality disorder (OCPD), autism spectrum disorder (ASD), and bipolar disorder may face challenges in expressing or understanding empathy in conventional ways due to the following reasons:
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD): People with OCPD tend to be overly focused on rules, morals, order, and perfectionism. They are also workaholics. This intense preoccupation with control, work, and rigid thinking patterns can make it difficult for them to empathize with others’ emotions or perspectives. Their attention is often directed toward their own concerns and maintaining a sense of control, which can hinder their ability to connect emotionally with others, especially in an intimate relationship.
Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD): Individuals with ASD often have difficulties with social communication and interaction. They may struggle to understand and interpret nonverbal cues, such as facial expressions or body language, which are important for empathetic understanding. These factors can make it harder for individuals with ASD to express or comprehend empathy in conventional ways.
Bipolar Disorder: Bipolar disorder is characterized by extreme mood swings, including periods of elevated or manic moods and depressive episodes. During manic episodes, individuals may experience heightened self-focus, irritability, and impulsivity, which can make it challenging for them to fully engage in empathetic responses. Conversely, during depressive episodes, individuals may struggle with their own emotional well-being, making it difficult to extend empathy toward others.
It is important to note that these are general observations, and each individual’s experience may vary. It is always best to consult with mental health professionals for a comprehensive understanding of how these conditions may impact empathy in specific cases.
Raising Empathetic Children
Parents play a crucial role in instilling empathy in their children. I will discuss various strategies and techniques to raise highly empathetic children, emphasizing the importance of modeling empathy, encouraging perspective-taking, and fostering emotional intelligence. By equipping our children with empathy, we empower them to navigate the complexities of relationships with kindness and understanding.
Here are some strategies and techniques to raise highly empathetic children, with an emphasis on modeling empathy, encouraging perspective-taking, and fostering emotional intelligence:
Model Empathy: Children learn by observing and imitating their caregivers. By consistently demonstrating empathy in your own interactions and relationships, you provide a powerful example for your child to follow. Show kindness, understanding, and compassion towards others, and explain your actions to help them understand the importance of empathy.
Encourage Perspective-Taking: Help children develop the ability to see things from another person’s point of view. Encourage them to consider how others might be feeling in different situations. Engage in conversations that explore different perspectives and encourage empathy by asking questions like, “How do you think they might be feeling?” or “What would you do if you were in their shoes?”
Teach Emotional Literacy: Help children identify and understand their own emotions, as well as the emotions of others. Use age-appropriate language to label emotions and discuss their causes and effects. Encourage them to express their feelings and validate their experiences. This helps children develop emotional intelligence and empathy by recognizing and understanding emotions in themselves and others.
Practice Active Listening: Teach children the importance of active listening, which involves giving their full attention to others and showing genuine interest in their thoughts and feelings. Encourage them to ask open-ended questions and reflect on what they’ve heard. This helps children develop empathy by truly understanding and connecting with others.
Promote Kindness and Compassion: Create opportunities for children to engage in acts of kindness and compassion. Encourage them to help others, volunteer, or engage in activities that promote empathy and understanding. Highlight the positive impact their actions can have on others, reinforcing the value of empathy in making a difference in the world.
Remember, raising empathetic children is an ongoing process that requires patience, consistency, and reinforcement. By modeling empathy, encouraging perspective-taking, and fostering emotional intelligence, you can help cultivate empathy as a core value in your child’s life.
Empathy in Interpersonal and Intimate Relationships
Empathy forms the bedrock of healthy relationships, be it between couples, colleagues, friends, teachers, or leaders. I will delve into how a lack of empathy can manifest in these relationships, leading to misunderstandings, conflicts, and emotional disconnection. By recognizing the importance of empathy, we can cultivate stronger bonds and create a more empathetic and supportive environment.
When there is a lack of empathy in relationships, it can lead to various challenges and negative outcomes. Here are some ways in which a lack of empathy can manifest in different types of relationships:
Couples: In a romantic relationship, a lack of empathy can result in misunderstandings and emotional disconnection. Without the ability to understand and validate each other’s emotions, partners may struggle to communicate effectively and meet each other’s needs. This can lead to conflicts, feelings of neglect, and a breakdown in intimacy.
Colleagues: In a professional setting, a lack of empathy among colleagues can create a hostile work environment. Without understanding and considering each other’s perspectives and emotions, conflicts may arise, teamwork may suffer, and collaboration may become challenging. This can negatively impact productivity, job satisfaction, and overall work atmosphere.
Friends: Lack of empathy among friends can strain relationships and lead to emotional disconnection. Without the ability to empathize, friends may struggle to provide support and understanding during difficult times. This can result in feelings of isolation, resentment, and a gradual breakdown of the friendship.
Teachers: A lack of empathy in teachers can hinder effective communication and understanding with students. Without empathetic guidance and support, students may feel misunderstood, unimportant, or unsupported. This can impact their motivation, engagement, and overall learning experience.
Leaders: Leaders who lack empathy may struggle to connect with their team members and understand their needs and concerns. This can lead to a lack of trust, reduced morale, and decreased productivity. Empathy is crucial for effective leadership, as it helps leaders make informed decisions, inspire their team, and create a positive work environment.
In all these relationships, a lack of empathy can contribute to misunderstandings, conflicts, and emotional disconnection. Empathy is essential for fostering understanding, building trust, and maintaining healthy relationships.
Conclusion
Empathy is a transformative trait that holds immense power in shaping our personal growth and relationships. By embracing empathy, we enhance our emotional intelligence, foster compassion, and create a more understanding world. Let us embark on this journey together, as we strive to nurture empathy within ourselves, our children, and our communities, ultimately making the world a better place for all. Remember, the best thing we can instill in our children is empathy. This will help us to nib narcissism in the bud, thereby making the world a better place to live.
Salihu Lukman is an Assistant Professor of Civil Engineering at the University of Hafr Al Batin, Saudi Arabia.
The Dark Side of Niceness: How Narcissists Exploit and Manipulate
By: Dr. Salihu Lukman
Introduction
In a world where kindness and compassion are widely regarded as virtues, it’s unfortunate that some individuals exploit these traits for their own gain. Narcissists, with their manipulative tendencies, are masterful at using the seemingly harmless trait of niceness to exploit and manipulate those around them. In this article, I delve into the dark side of niceness and shed light on how narcissists leverage it to perpetrate untold hardship on unsuspecting kind souls.
How Narcissists Exploit Niceness
I have written a 6-part series on narcissists recently in the Hausa language titled, “Narcissist – Zuma Ga Zaqi Ga Harbi, Marmari Daga Nesa”, where I unboxed the ABCs of narcissists with clear examples and demonstrations. You can find the articles here:
To clearly understand who narcissists are and how they affect your life negatively, you need to read the detailed 6-part series. Find below, a summary of ways that narcissists and antagonistic persons can exploit one’s niceness.
The Charismatic Mask: Narcissists possess an uncanny ability to put on a charismatic mask, making themselves appear likeable, charming, and trustworthy. They easily win over the hearts of genuine, nice individuals who are drawn to their seemingly genuine intentions. By presenting themselves as kind and approachable, narcissists create the perfect facade to exploit the goodwill of others.
Emotional Manipulation: Nice people often have a natural inclination to be empathetic, always striving to understand and support others. Narcissists exploit this empathy by manipulating emotions. They use guilt, flattery, and emotional manipulation to assert control and influence over their victims. By preying on the trusting nature of nice individuals, narcissists slowly gain power and dominance over them.
Building Dependency: Narcissists are skilled at identifying individuals who are prone to putting others’ needs before their own. They capitalize on this by subtly encouraging dependency. By selectively offering just enough support and validation, they make nice individuals reliant on their approval and validation, gradually eroding their self-confidence and personal boundaries.
Gaslighting and Distortion: One of the most insidious tactics that narcissists employ is gaslighting. They manipulate the perception of reality, making their victims doubt their own experiences and emotions. Nice individuals, with their trusting nature, are particularly susceptible to this form of manipulation. By distorting the truth and sowing seeds of doubt, narcissists gain control over their victims and perpetuate their own agenda.
Exploiting Empathy: Nice people often possess a deep well of empathy, always willing to lend a listening ear and offer support. Narcissists exploit this empathy by turning the tables, making themselves the victims in need of constant attention and care. They take advantage of the kindness and compassion of nice individuals, leaving them emotionally drained and neglected in the process.
The popular social media influencer, Reno Omokri, has made several important posts on his social media handles regarding this subject matter. I intend to reproduce some of these posts in quotes and comment on them, including the viral comment by Vice President Kashim Shettima on former Vice President Osinbajo.
“What is the benefit of being NICE? NICENESS is NOT a VIRTUE. It is a WEAKNESS. God does NOT reward NICENESS. NICENESS just means you are INOFFENSIVE, ANODYNE and easy to TAKE ADVANTAGE of. Be KIND. Be LOVING. Be HONEST. Be PATIENT. But dont be NICE” – Reno Omokri
While I understand that there are individuals who exploit niceness for their own gain, it is important to approach this topic with nuance and balance. Niceness, when practiced in a healthy and assertive manner, can be a virtue that promotes kindness, empathy, and positive interactions. It is essential to differentiate between being nice and being a pushover.
Being nice does not equate to being weak or lacking virtue. It involves showing genuine compassion, respect, and consideration for others without compromising one’s own boundaries. Kindness, love, honesty, and patience are all valuable qualities that contribute to building meaningful relationships and fostering a harmonious society.
Yes, there are instances where being overly nice can make one more susceptible to manipulation, especially by individuals with exploitative intentions. However, it is crucial to strike a balance between kindness and assertiveness. Setting healthy boundaries and being aware of red flags can help protect against those who seek to take advantage.
Rather than dismissing niceness, we should encourage individuals to develop emotional intelligence, assertiveness, and the ability to navigate complex social dynamics. It is possible to be both kind and assertive, and by doing so, we can maintain our integrity while still exhibiting compassion and empathy.
Ultimately, it is essential to remember that being nice is a personal choice, and its value should not be undermined by the actions of those who misuse it. Let us strive to create a world where kindness is celebrated, and individuals are empowered to be both kind and strong.
“Stop being nice. Niceness is a waste of time because people will respond to you out of their nature and not because of your niceness. A snake bites. That is its nature. No matter how nice you are to a snake, it will still bite you. A goat eats your yam. No matter how nice you are to it, it will steal eat your yam. So, treat everyone with courtesy and respect. But don’t displease yourself to please others. There is no profit in it. Those who will still dislike you will dislike you no matter how nice you are to them. There are nine fruit of the Spirit listed in Scripture and niceness is not one of them. Instead of being nice, relax and be yourself.” Reno Omokri
It is crucial to maintain self-respect and set clear boundaries, even when being kind and courteous. Being kind does not mean disempowering oneself or going against one’s own values and well-being. By establishing boundaries and communicating assertively, we can maintain our integrity while still treating others with respect.
Rather than completely dismissing niceness, it is more beneficial to encourage individuals to find a balance between being true to themselves and treating others with kindness and respect. By being authentic and compassionate, we can foster connections and contribute to a more positive and inclusive world.
“There is a big difference between KINDNESS and NICENESS. KINDNESS is strategic and deliberate. It involves CHARITY to those with NECESSITY that they can’t meet by themselves. NICENESS is emotional. It involves CHARITY without CLARITY or PURPOSE” Reno omokri
Kindness, as described, involves strategic and deliberate acts of charity towards those in need. It encompasses empathy, compassion, and a genuine desire to help others improve their circumstances. Kindness, when practiced with intention and purpose, can bring about meaningful change and make a positive impact on individuals and communities.
On the other hand, niceness, as described, appears to emphasize a more emotional aspect of charity without clarity or purpose. While it is true that niceness alone may not always lead to tangible solutions or lasting impact, it can still contribute to fostering positive interactions and creating a sense of goodwill among people.
In reality, kindness and niceness are not mutually exclusive. Both can complement each other and be practiced in different contexts. Kindness can be strategic, deliberate, and rooted in empathy, while niceness can contribute to maintaining harmonious relationships and showing basic respect and courtesy to others.
Rather than pitting kindness against niceness, it is more beneficial to recognize that both have their place in human interactions. By combining strategic kindness with genuine niceness, we can create a more compassionate and understanding world where individuals support each other and foster positive change.
“I am not heartless because I refuse to give or lend you money (which you will never repay) for your emergency. Your failure to plan or prioritise is not my emergency. You can’t be using luxuries and begging for necessities. I never claimed to be nice. I am wise—big difference! My generosity is strategic, not erratic. I give where there is need, not where there is greed.” Reno Omokri
It is true that enabling irresponsible behavior can lead to a cycle of dependence and hinder personal growth. However, it is equally important to recognize that circumstances vary, and some emergencies may genuinely require assistance. Balancing wisdom and compassion allows us to make informed decisions while still being considerate of others’ struggles.
Ultimately, it is up to each individual to decide how they want to allocate their resources. However, it is worth considering how we can use our wisdom and generosity in a way that uplifts and supports others, promoting growth and resilience rather than perpetuating dependence or greed.
“Stop wasting words on people who deserve your silence. The beauty of silence is that it cannot be misquoted, yet it says so much. For instance, if someone insults you and you respond, they can twist your response. But stay silent, and it is they who will be twisted” Reno omokri
While it is true that choosing silence can sometimes be a powerful tool, especially when dealing with a narcissist or antagonistic persons, in certain situations, it is important to approach communication with thoughtfulness and consider the context.
Silence can indeed protect one from being misquoted or having their words twisted. It allows for reflection and can prevent unnecessary escalation of conflicts. There are instances where responding to insults or provocations may only fuel further negativity.
However, it is also important to recognize that silence may not always be the most effective response. In some cases, speaking up and addressing concerns directly can lead to resolution, understanding, and growth.
Each situation is unique, and it is essential to assess whether silence is the most appropriate response based on the circumstances and one’s own values. Sometimes silence can be empowering, allowing one to maintain their dignity and not engage in unnecessary conflicts. However, there are also instances where speaking up can convey important messages, assert boundaries, or foster productive dialogue.
Ultimately, it comes down to personal judgment and understanding when to embrace the power of silence and when to use our words to make a positive impact. Striking the right balance between silence and communication is key to effective and meaningful interactions.
“Osinbajo is a good man; he’s a nice man. But nice men do not make good leaders, because nice men tend to be nasty. Nice men should be selling popcorn, ice cream.” Vice President Kashim Shettima.
While I understand that the statement suggests that being “nice” may not be sufficient for effective leadership, it is important to consider that leadership qualities encompass a wide range of attributes beyond just being “nice” or “nasty.”
Leadership effectiveness relies on a variety of qualities such as integrity, decisiveness, vision, empathy, and the ability to make tough decisions when necessary. While being “nice” alone may not guarantee effective leadership, it does not automatically imply that nice individuals are incapable of being good leaders.
Leaders can exhibit kindness, compassion, and empathy while still displaying the necessary assertiveness and strength to make difficult decisions for the greater good. Being nice does not equate to being weak or lacking the qualities needed to lead effectively.
Ultimately, leadership success depends on a combination of various characteristics, skills, and experiences. It is crucial to evaluate leaders based on their overall abilities, their approach to decision-making, and their track record, rather than solely on the perception of being “nice” or “nasty.”
So, it is important to look beyond just the label of “nice” when assessing someone’s leadership capabilities and consider a broader range of qualities and competencies that contribute to effective leadership.
Conclusion
While niceness is generally viewed as a positive trait, it’s crucial to recognize how narcissists exploit and manipulate these virtues for their own gain. By understanding their tactics, we can better protect ourselves and those around us. Let us remain cautious, but not let the actions of a few tarnish the beauty of kindness. Kindness should always be celebrated, but it’s equally important to be aware of those who would exploit it.
Lastly, do not allow anybody to take your niceness and empathy for granted. Do not subsidize irresponsibility under any circumstances. Be as pragmatic as possible.
Salihu Lukman is an Assistant Professor of Civil Engineering at the University of Hafr Al Batin, Saudi Arabia.
