Wa Ya Kamata Ya Fara Gaishe Da Wani, Miji Ko Mata? Mata A Yau

Tare Da: Dr. Salihu Lukman

Gabatarwa

Wasu za su yi mamakin dalilin da yasa na saka ma wannan maqalan tawa sunan da ya ke a sama. Kila a ganin su, suna fahimtar cewa ai babu wata jayayya a tsakanin mata ne ko miji ne ya fi cancanta yafara gaishe da daya daga cikin su. Duk yanda ka ke ganin cewa abin ai a fili ma yake, ko kuma babu buqatan a tattake wuri akan shi, to ka dan saurara kadan, ka biyo ni ka ji qarin bayani. Ana iya yin tsinuwa mai zafi ko kuma har ta kai ga cewa auren ya mutu murus saboda wannan matsalan na gaisuwa a tsakanin ma’aurata. Saboda haka, wannan matsala ce babba, kuma ya fara addaban mutanen mu a yanzu shiyasa na ga dacewar in dan yi tsokaci kadan a game wannan lamarin.

Wa Ya Kamata Ya Fara Gaishe Da Wani A Tsakanin Ma’aurata, Miji Ko Mata?

A al’adan bahaushe, gaisuwa wata abu ce mai matuqar muhimmaci a cikin zamatakewar sa ta yau da kullum. Ya kamata mu fahimci cewa gaisuwa ta sha bambam da yin sallama. Ba zan tattauna qa’idojin yin sallama ba a cikin wannan maqalan domin kuwa ina ganin cewa musulunci ta yi cikakken bayani a kan wa ya kamata ya fara yin sallama tare da hukunce-hukuncen da suka shafi sallaman. Idan an ce gaisuwa a hausance, to ana nufin ire-iren wadannan kalmomin ne kamar haka:

Ina kwana/wuni? (Mai gaisuwa)

Lafiya lau. (Wanda ake gaisarwa)

Ina gajiya? (Mai gaisuwa)

Ba gajiya. (Wanda ake gaisarwa)

Yaya aiki/iyali? (Mai gaisuwa)

Lafiya lau. (Wanda ake gaisarwa)

Da dai sauran lafuzzan da ake yin amfani da su wajen yin gaisuwa wadanda a wani lokaci sun danganta ne da inda mutum ya ke, wato, wasu yankunan suna da irin na su gaisuwan da ta bambamta da wanda na kawo a sama.

Gaishe da mutum na daya daga cikin alamomin girmama shi. Shiyasa za ka cewa a duk safiyar Allah Ta’ala sai iyaye mata sun umurci ‘ya’yan su da su je su gaishe da mahaifin su da safe, har sai sun saba da yin hakan da kan su ba tare an ce su yi ba. A mafi yawan lokuta, an saba da cewa qarami ne ke fara gaishe da babba, ko kuma wanda ake ganin cewa ya fi daraja, to shi ne ake fara gaisarwa shi kuma sai ya amsa gaisuwar. Shiyasa ko da ace shi wanda ake ganin cewa shine babba ko kuma mai daraja ya kira ka a wayan salula, to matuqar dai ka gane mai magana, to kai ne ya kamata ka yi marmaza ka fara gaishe shi koda kuwa ya fara gaishe ka. Wannan yana faruwa ne ta hanyar maimaita jumlan farko na gaisuwa wato ina kwana/wuni domin girmamawa. A wasu lokutan, babba shiru yakeyi har sai an fara gaishe shi, saboda haka tsarin yake.

Dubi da wasu hadissai masu inganci a inda Manzon Allah (SAW) yake yin ishara ga girman miji da matsayin sa a wajen matan sa, kaman irin su – ‘Allah Ya sanya yardan Shi ga mata a cikin yardan mijin ta’, wato, idan mijin ta ya yarda da ita, to hakazalika Allah ma Ya yarda da ita kenan, da dai sauran hadissai da suke umurtan mace akan yin ma miji matuqar biyayya da girmama shi – daga nan ne bahaushe ya taqaita wadannan hadissan a inda yake cewa, ‘Aljannan mace yana qarqashin tafin qafan mijin ta ne’, wato, idan har ta qi yin mishi biyayya da da’a da kiyaye haqqoqin sa, to fa babu yanda zai daga mata qafan shi ta samu shiga aljannan kenan. Yana daya daga cikin abin da a al’adance muka ga iyayen mu mata suna yi a matsayin biyayya da girmama aure shine fara gaishe da mijin su ko da kuwa shi mijin ne ya tafi dakin matan domin su gaisa. Za a iya samun cewa miji ya fara gaishe da matan sa a wasu lokutan, amma ba wai hakan ya kasance shine qa’idan ba. To me ke sa wasu mata a yau suke tuburewa su ce allanbaran sai dai shi mijin ne zai fara gaishe su? Wasu matan har ma qarawa suke yi da cewa idan mijin su zai aike su kaman ace su dauko mishi wani abu da ya ke so, to fa dole sai ya ce, PLEASE (don Allah), kaman wato yana roqon su kenan, ba wai don ya isa ya aike su ba. Ire-iren wadannan halayyan na jiji da kai tare da bijire ma yin ma miji da’a da biyayya suna daya daga cikin manyan Red Flags wato alamomin Narcissist jiga-jigai, kuma ana kiran mace mai irin wannan halin da suna Bossy.

Ga kadan daga cikin sharhin da na yi ma mace mai dabi’a na Bossy wanda na dan tsakuro shi daga cikin dogon sharhin da na yi a cikin maqaloli guda 6 mai take, ‘Narcissist, Zuma Ga Zaqi Ga Harbi, Marmari Daga Nesa’. Wannan bayanin na qasa, daga cikin Part 3 ne na dauko shi.

BOSSY

‘Dabi’an Bossy nada alaqa da Grandiosity da kuma Entitlement amma na ga dacewar in sauke mishi lamba in yi mai sharhi sosai domin muhimmancin shi. Bossy ya samo asali ne daga Boss kuma yana nufin mutum ya ji yana matuqar son ya ga yana bada umarni da yin abin da ya ga dama ba tare da wani ya sa shi ko ya hana shi ba. Idan namiji ya kasance Bossy a cikin mu’amalan aure, a bisa al’adan mu da addinin mu, to za mu iya ganin cewa babu komai saboda ai dama shi shugaba ne a wajen matan sa kuma shugaba ai shi ne ke bayar da umarni. Amma fa duk da haka sai ya hada da Empathy wato tausayi (Compassion) da kuma kara da hali na gari (Consideration) sannan ne zai tsira daga cutar da matan sa da sunan aure.’

Sai na qara da cewa,

‘Idan kuma matan ne ta kasance Bossy, to fa matsala ya afku anan saboda za a yi ta dauki ba dadi ne da ita domin kuwa ba za ta iya yin ma mijin ta biyayya ba sam-sam. Ba za ta dauki rayuwanta ta danqa ma wani da namiji ba domin ya dunga bata umarnin abin da zata iya yi da kuma abin da ba za ta iya aikatawa ba. Idan ta yi sa’a da mijin da yake talasuru ne, to fa shikenan, ba za ta sami wani matsala ba domin zai barta ta yi duk abin da take so ba tare da yace kanzil ba. Ko kuma idan suna zaune ne a qasan turawa kaman Amurka ko daya daga cikin qasashen turawa wato Europe, to anan ma fa za ta iya gindaya ma mijin ta sharadin cewa fa dole su yi tarayya a shugabancin shi, wato kowa sai ya zama shugaba kenan. Abin nufi anan shine, yanda yake da ‘yancin aikata abin da ya ga dama ba tare da ya tuntube ta ba, to fa itama tana da irin wannan ‘yancin sannan kuma dole a yi tarayya a cikin ayyukan gida shima. Wannan shine bature ke kira Patnership. Don makirci da rashin hangen nesa na bature, ya yarda a nada shugaba a kowane harka na rayuwa amma ban da harkan da tafi kowanne muhimmanci shine aure. A harkan aure, bai yarda a nada miji a matsayin shugaban gida ba, sai dai ayi 50-50. Wannan na daya daga cikin abubuwan da ya qara musu matsalolin yau da kullum har ta kai ga cewa ma yanzu ba sa sha’awan yin auren kwata-kwata sai dai kawai su zauna a matsayin Couple su haihu, idan rabuwa ta zo, kowa sai ya kama gaban sa ba tare da wani matsalan saki ba ko raba dukiya gida 2. Yanzu suma sun qirqiro da irin nasu Polygamy din a inda mata da miji za su yarda su rinqa yin tarayya da duk wanda suke so babu zargi kuma babu qaidi. Wannan shine suke kira da Open Relationship. Abun takaici ne ka ga mutanen mu suna zaban Open Relationship a matsayin Relationship Status a Facebook saboda rashin sanin mene ainihin ma’anan Open Relationship.’

Sai na qara haskawa,

‘Zama da Bossy mace ba qanqanin jarabawa bane. Ka yi tunanin fada ma matan ka cewa ta tashi ta dibo maka ruwa domin ka sha sai kawai ta ce maka ba za ta je ba, idan ba za ka iya zuwa ka dibo ruwan ba, to kada ka qara ce mata ta dibo maka ruwa. Idan akayi rashin sa’a mai saurin kai hannu ne ko mai saurin fushi, zai iya kai mata duka kuwa. Allah Ya kiyaye. Sai ka ji budurwa ta ce ai ita idan ta yi aure, to fa dole sai mijin ta ya ce PLEASE (don Allah) kafin ya iya aikanta ta dauko mishi wani abu ko tayi mishi wani abu.’

Daga qarshe, na cike da,

‘Wasu matan sun san halayyan su sosai, saboda haka tun wajen neman aure, za su iya fada maka cewa fa su Bossy ne. Da zaran ka ji haka, ko ka fahimci haka, to ina mai baka shawaran cewa ka manta da duk wani soyayyan da ka tsunduma ka arce. Idan ba haka ba kuwa, sai tafiya tayi tafiya, anyi aure har an hayayyafa, sannan ka dawo ka yi dana sani qeya ne. Shiyasa na jinjina ma Laila Ali Othman, da ta fahimci cewa ita Bossy ce, sai kawai ta nemi mijin da ya sauwaqe mata auren. Kun ga anan, bata wahalar ba kuma ba a wahalar da ita ba, kowa ya huta kenan. Duk wanda yake da fahimtar aure haqiqatan, to ba zai ga laifin ta ba kwata-kwata da ta dauki wannan hanyan.’

Domin samun gamsashshen bayanai akan Narcissist, ka daure ka karanta jerangiyar maqalolin da na rubuta har guda 6. A sha karatu lafiya.

• Part 1: https://salihulukman.com/narcissist-zuma-ga-zaqi-ga-harbi-marmari-daga-nesa-1/
• Part 2: https://salihulukman.com/narcissist-2-zuma-ga-zaqi-ga-harbi-marmari-daga-nesa/
• Part 3: https://salihulukman.com/part-3-narcissist-zuma-ga-zaqi-ga-harbi-marmari-daga-nesa/
• Part 4: https://salihulukman.com/part-4-narcissist-zuma-ga-zaqi-ga-harbi-marmari-daga-nesa/
• Part 5: https://salihulukman.com/part-5-narcissist-zuma-ga-zaqi-ga-harbi-marmari-daga-nesa/
• Part 6: https://salihulukman.com/6-communal-self-righteous-cerebral-narcissist/

Shirin ‘Mata A Yau’ Na AREWA24

Kwatsam, sai wata mai suna Aisha Umar Jajere, a cikin shirin AREWA24 mai suna, ‘Mata A Yau’, ta ke bada labarin cewa,

“Wani magidanci, ya je ya sami maqocin shi zai saki matan shi saboda kawai ba ta gaishe shi.”

Sai ta qara da cewa,

“To in bata gaishe ka ba, kai ka gaishe ta mana.”

Ku kalli bidiyon ta Facebook anan: https://www.facebook.com/abbas.dankaurabuhari/videos/1369268203629383

Daga wannan labarin da ta kawo, za ku fahimci cewa, matan ba wai sau daya bane kawai ta qi gaishe da mijin ta, a’a. A koda yaushe ba ta gaishe shine sannan kuma ta tubure akan hakan. Ku hada wannan labarin tare da sharhin daya daga cikin mai gabatarwan wato Aisha Umar Jajere da bayanan da na kawo a sama a game da mace Bossy. Za ku ga cewa irin wannan halin na daya daga cikin matan da ake kira Bossy.

Wannan bidiyon ya kawo cece-kuce sosai a Social Media musamman a Facebook a inda gamagarin mutane har ma da malamai sukai ta yin Allah wadai da raddi akan wannan shawaran da ita Aisha ta bayar akan wannan matsalan. Akwai wanda ma na san cewa yana yunqurin kai AREWA24 qara a wajen Censorship Board na garin Kano domin shigar da koke akan irin wannan mummunan shawaran da zai iya bata tunanin wasu matan har su qi gaishe da mijin su kuma suna tsammanin cewa sai dai shi mijin ne zai gaishe su.

Ni kuma, sai na dauki alqalamina, na rubuta wannan maqalan domin in fahimtar da mutane cewa, matsayin da Aisha ta dauka akan wannan labari, matsayi ne da ke nuna alaman Narcissist. Babu mutum mai lafiyayyen hankali da dabi’a, wanda ya fahimci al’adun mutanen arewa tare da addininsu, da zai ce idan matan ka ta qeqashe qasa ta qi gaishe ka, to kai ka gaishe ta. Da a ce Aisha tana ba wadanda suke zama a turai ne irin wannan shawaran, to da ban ga wani illa ba a cikin shawaran nata. Wannan shawaran yana nuni da qanfan Emotional Intelligence a gareta. A taqaice, Emotional Intelligence shi ne yake sa mutum ya fadi ko ya aikata abin da ya dace a kuma inda ya dace.

Ni na san wata matan da mijin ta ya yi mata luguden shinuwan albarka saboda ta nuna cewa lallai shi mijin ne ya kamata ya gaishe ta a yayin da suka fara yin zance a wani manhajar yin zance kaman WhatsApp. Wadannan ma’auratan fa sun fi shekara 10 da aure, amma duk da haka, mijin bai sami cancantar a fara  gaishe shi ba a yayin chatting (hira). Allah wadaran naka ya lallace!

Duk da wannan gurguwan shawaran da Aisha Umar Jajere ta bayar, ku sani cewa akwai wani bangare na shirin, ‘Mata A Yau’, wanda yake burge ni kuma na jinjina ma AREWA24 da su masu gabatarwan wato Aisha da muqarraban ta. Sun qirqiro da bayani akan Mental Health a inda suke gayyatan likitocin halayyan dan Adam wato Psychiatrists sannan kuma ga ‘yan kallo nan a gefe suna yin tambayoyi masu amfani. Dole mu fahimci yanda Mental Health yake da kuma yanda yake iya illanta halayyan dan Adam. Na yi rubutu da dama wajen wayar da kan mutane a game da Mental Health a baya. Ku neme su a wannan shafin nawa.

https://salihulukman.com/my-posts/

A baya na soki shawaran da Aisha ta bayar, a nan kuma, dole in yaba musu domin suna ilmantarwa akan Mental Health a cikin shirin na su. Wannan shine adalci, inda sukayi ba daidai ba mu fada, inda kuma suka dace mu fada. Ku nemi shirye-shiryen su akan Mental Health, za ku qaru sosai.

Salihu Lukman, Assistant Professor ne na Civil Engineering a University of Hafr Al Batin, Saudi Arabia

 

Tagged : mental disorder / mental health / narcissist / npd / psychiatrist / psychologist